Funny Jokes to Text Someone (and Actually Make Them Laugh)

Why did the art teacher go broke? She lost all her Monet.

What do you call a jack-in-the-box at breakfast? A pop tart.

A programmer's wife says: 'Go to the store and get milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen.' He returns with 12 milks.

What's a potato's favorite horror movie? Silence of the Yams.

What did the eraser say to the pencil? You make a lot of mistakes, but I got your back.

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne!

A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, 'Can I join you?'

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

Why are bacteria so bad at math? They multiply by dividing.

Why don't zombies eat clowns? They taste funny.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

What do you call a cat in a hat? Dr. Seuss's intellectual property.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium and you can't curium, you barium.

What did the hungry clock do? It went back four seconds!

What do you call a kid who only eats beige foods? A carbivore.

What do you call a frog that parks illegally? Toad.

Why did the plant win the school award? It was out-standing in its field!

My wife said I only hear what I want to hear. I said thanks, you look great too.

I told my husband I felt invisible. He said 'who said that?'

What do you call a driver using their blinker? New in town.

What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil serpent.

What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk, because it's pasteurized before you see it.

I farted at work. My coworker tried to open the window. We work on a submarine.

What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.

What do you call wind chimes in a hurricane? Heavy metal.

Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't meet the koalafications!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Why are assembly programmers always wet? They work below C level.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

Why do bands have so many problems? Too much sax and violins.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

What do you call a baby who sleeps through the night? Someone else's.

Why do astronauts use Linux? Because they can't open Windows in space.

What do you call a potato that's afraid to jump in the pool? A hesi-tater.

I played golf today. I shot a birdie, an eagle, and a moose. I'm not allowed back at the zoo.

What do you call a regex that actually works? Witchcraft.

What do you call Spider-Man's side hustle? A web developer.

What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

Why are baseball stadiums so cool? They're full of fans.