Marriage Jokes for Better (and for Laughs)

My wife told me to be more spontaneous. I'm planning to start Tuesday.

Why do chess players stay married forever? They can't leave their mate.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Why did the couple get a king bed? They needed a demilitarized zone.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said space. I bought her a telescope.

What do you call a wife's side of the bed? Seventy percent.

We ended the remote-control war years ago. Now we hold hands and watch our separate phones.

Q: What's the difference between a new spouse and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.

What do you call a spouse who loads the dishwasher correctly? Single.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

What do you call a husband who does dishes unprompted? Guilty.

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy forever.

What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.

How do tow trucks get married? They get hitched.

Marriage tip: Happy wife, happy life. Happy husband, suspicious wife.

Why do married bees never argue? They're still on their honeymoon.

My wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, 'dust' is not the right answer.

Why do farmers make devoted husbands? They majored in husbandry.

My wife asked if I'd love her when she's old. I said I already do.

What did the rope say when we asked if it was married? 'Fraid knot.

My wife said I only hear what I want to hear. I said thanks, you look great too.

Why did the melons insist on a big church wedding? Because they cantaloupe.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my husband I felt invisible. He said 'who said that?'

My wife orders the salad, then eats my fries. Nutritionally, we are one person.

Marriage is just asking 'What do you want for dinner?' until one of you dies.

I asked my husband for space. He bought NASA posters.

Why did the fraction propose? He'd found his better half.

How did the telephone propose? It gave her a ring.