Marriage Jokes for Better (and for Laughs)

My wife left a note on the fridge: 'This isn't working.' I opened it. The light came on. I don't know what she's talking about.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with hearts and diamonds, end up wanting clubs and spades.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I told my husband I felt invisible. He said 'who said that?'

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

My wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My wife says I'm immature. I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

My wife said I only hear what I want to hear. I said thanks, you look great too.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.

My spouse said I have two faults. I don't listen, and something else.

My spouse said I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

My husband said I should embrace my mistakes. So I hugged him.

My wife says I never listen. At least I think that's what she said.

My husband said I'm dramatic. I nearly fainted from shock.

My wife speaks two languages: English and what I did wrong in 2014.

My wife said I should do lunges. That would be a big step forward.

My wife says I'm cheap. I'm not buying it.

Q: What's the difference between a new spouse and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said space. I bought her a telescope.

Marriage is just saying 'What?' from different rooms.

I love my spouse unconditionally. The conditions are posted on the fridge.

My husband thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.

Marriage is just texting each other 'Do we need anything?' from different grocery aisles.

What do you call a couple that agrees on thermostat settings? Divorced.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Marriage is just texting 'on my way' while still on the couch.

Q: Why is marriage like algebra? A: You look at your X and wonder Y.

I told my wife she was overreacting. She threw a thesaurus at me.

My wife asked if I'd love her when she's old. I said I already do.

My wife told me to be more spontaneous. I'm planning to start Tuesday.

What do you call a couple's first argument? The tutorial level.