Daily Joke Texts for Couples

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

I told my husband I felt invisible. He said 'who said that?'

Marriage is just asking 'What do you want for dinner?' until one of you dies.

What did the rope say when we asked if it was married? 'Fraid knot.

My husband's snoring is so loud, it wakes people in other marriages.

My wife says I'm indecisive. I'm not sure I agree.

How did the telephone propose? It gave her a ring.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said space. I bought her a telescope.

What do you call a wife's side of the bed? Seventy percent.

My spouse said we needed more communication. I texted back 'okay.'

Q: What's the longest sentence? A: 'I do.'

Q: Why is marriage like algebra? A: You look at your X and wonder Y.

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy forever.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

What do you call a husband who does dishes unprompted? Guilty.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Q: What's the difference between a new spouse and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

My wife left a note on the fridge: 'This isn't working.' I opened it. The light came on. I don't know what she's talking about.

What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.

Marriage tip: Happy wife, happy life. Happy husband, suspicious wife.

My spouse said I have two faults. I don't listen, and something else.

My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr.'

Why did the fraction propose? He'd found his better half.

I asked my husband for space. He bought NASA posters.

Why do chess players stay married forever? They can't leave their mate.

Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, 'dust' is not the right answer.

My wife asked if I'd love her when she's old. I said I already do.

Why did the tennis stars get married? It was a perfect match.

Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.

My wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Why do farmers make devoted husbands? They majored in husbandry.

Why did the melons insist on a big church wedding? Because they cantaloupe.

My wife doesn't backseat drive. She navigates by gasping, and I've learned to brake for inhales.

Q: Why did the husband buy flowers? A: He forgot something. He doesn't know what yet.

Why did the couple get a king bed? They needed a demilitarized zone.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife orders the salad, then eats my fries. Nutritionally, we are one person.

What do you call a couple that agrees on thermostat settings? Divorced.

My husband said I should embrace my mistakes. So I hugged him.

We share a king-size bed 50/50. Her 50 is the middle.

How do tow trucks get married? They get hitched.

My wife told me to be more spontaneous. I'm planning to start Tuesday.

My wife said I only hear what I want to hear. I said thanks, you look great too.

Q: Why do married men live longer? A: They don't. It just feels longer.

We ended the remote-control war years ago. Now we hold hands and watch our separate phones.

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Why are basketball players such old-fashioned romantics? They spend all season courting.

Why do married bees never argue? They're still on their honeymoon.

Why do husbands have selective hearing? Because evolution favors the peaceful.