Clean Jokes for Any Audience
A big collection of clean, all-ages jokes with no off-color material — safe to share with kids, coworkers, or the whole family. Copy your favorites or get one daily.
Jokes you can tell anyone, anywhere: this is our collection of clean, all-ages humor with nothing off-color — copy your favorites for the classroom, the office, or the dinner table.
Clean Jokes for All Ages
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium and you can't curium, you barium.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador.
What do you call a firefly that can't glow? Delighted.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses!
Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't meet the koalafications!
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
My teacher says I'm average. I think that's mean.
What do you call a flying pancake? An unidentified frying object.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeño business.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
I sleep like a baby. I wake up every two hours crying.
Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in public.
Why do Christmas trees like the past? The present is beneath them.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What do you call a royal fart? A noble gas.
Why did the teacher cross her eyes? She couldn't control her pupils.
My wife left a note on the fridge: 'This isn't working.' I opened it. The light came on. I don't know what she's talking about.
What do you call a car wearing a sweater? A cardigan.
What do you call a chicken crossing the playground? Poultry in motion!
Why did the grass get an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Why did the mushroom get invited to parties? Because he's a fungi.
Why did the bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.
What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil serpent.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize.
Why did the art teacher go broke? She lost all her Monet.
What do you call a zoo with one dog? A shih tzu.
Why did the skeleton feel lonely? It had no body!
My car wanted a pet. So I got it a windshield viper!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. Took me three days, but I did it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're all dead!
Early bird gets the worm. Night owl gets the existential dread.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with hearts and diamonds, end up wanting clubs and spades.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
I told my teacher I was sick of fractions. She said that's only half the problem.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c-- MOOOOO!
What's a potato's favorite horror movie? Silence of the Yams.
Why did the cow win an award? She was outstanding in her field.
Why These Jokes Work
Clean doesn’t mean unfunny — it means everyone in the room can laugh. These are picked to work for kids, grandparents, coworkers, and everyone in between.
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