Clean Jokes for Any Audience

What do you call a hotfix that causes two more bugs? Tuesday.

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Why are dolphins so clever? Within three hours they can train a human to stand and throw fish.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir, your account is overdue.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.

My teacher says I'm average. I think that's mean.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a flying pancake? An unidentified frying object.

What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeño business.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

I told my husband I felt invisible. He said 'who said that?'

What sound does a witch's car make? Broom broom!

There are 10 types of people. Those who know binary and those who don't.

Why do Christmas trees like the past? The present is beneath them.

I played golf today. I shot a birdie, an eagle, and a moose. I'm not allowed back at the zoo.

Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one!

Why can't a nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot!

What do you call a firefly that can't glow? Delighted.

What do you call Spider-Man's side hustle? A web developer.

I used to be cool. Now I'm just room temperature.

Why did the skeleton feel lonely? It had no body!

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

What do you call a zoo with one dog? A shih tzu.

Why do astronauts use Linux? Because they can't open Windows in space.

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy forever.

Why did the cow win an award? She was outstanding in her field.

Why did the fisherman quit? His net income was too low.

Why do old people read the Bible more? Cramming for finals.

A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders 1 beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999 beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a lizard.

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador.

Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're all dead!

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

What do you call 'let's parking lot that'? Professional ghosting.

What do you call a jack-in-the-box at breakfast? A pop tart.

What do you call a chicken crossing the playground? Poultry in motion!

Why don't zombies eat clowns? They taste funny.

A programmer's wife says: 'Go to the store and get milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen.' He returns with 12 milks.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

I'm not an early bird or night owl. I'm a permanently exhausted pigeon.

I told my teacher I was sick of fractions. She said that's only half the problem.