Clean Jokes for Any Audience

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium and you can't curium, you barium.

A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders 1 beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999 beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a lizard.

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses!

What do you call a firefly that can't glow? Delighted.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

A programmer's wife says: 'Go to the store and get milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen.' He returns with 12 milks.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.

Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't meet the koalafications!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir, your account is overdue.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

My teacher says I'm average. I think that's mean.

What do you call a flying pancake? An unidentified frying object.

Why are dolphins so clever? Within three hours they can train a human to stand and throw fish.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeño business.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.

A TCP packet walks into a bar and says, 'I'd like a beer.' Bartender says, 'You want a beer?' 'Yes, a beer.'

I sleep like a baby. I wake up every two hours crying.

Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in public.

Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one!

What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

Why do Christmas trees like the past? The present is beneath them.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.

Why did the teacher cross her eyes? She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you call a royal fart? A noble gas.

My wife left a note on the fridge: 'This isn't working.' I opened it. The light came on. I don't know what she's talking about.

I played golf today. I shot a birdie, an eagle, and a moose. I'm not allowed back at the zoo.

What do you call a chicken crossing the playground? Poultry in motion!

What do you call a car wearing a sweater? A cardigan.

What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil serpent.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

I told my teacher I was sick of fractions. She said that's only half the problem.

Early bird gets the worm. Night owl gets the existential dread.

My car wanted a pet. So I got it a windshield viper!

My parrot died today. His last words were, 'I think my parrot is dying.'

Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c-- MOOOOO!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.