Coffee Jokes for People Who Need Their Coffee

My coffee maker broke. Now I have to make my own decisions in the morning.

Why did the espresso apply for a job it couldn't do? It was worth a shot.

What's the difference between a barista and a magician? The magician didn't charge me eleven dollars to misspell my name.

How did the French press become a celebrity? It got great press.

What's a coffee bean's favorite movie? Groundhog Day.

What do you call coffee that's been to church? Holy grounds.

My coffee order is eleven words long. My wedding vows were shorter.

Why don't coffee beans ever win arguments? They always get roasted.

What do you call a coffee that's always late? Better latte than never.

Why did the barista get fired from the CIA? He kept spilling the beans.

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you're sure you've been to before? Déjà brew.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles with my coffee. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I accidentally drank food coloring in my coffee. I dyed a little inside.

What's a barista's favorite exercise? The French press.

My coffee maker and I broke up. There were too many grounds for divorce.

How did the barista know a storm was coming? Trouble was brewing.

Why did the coffee refuse to gossip? It didn't want to spill the beans.

Why did the espresso keep checking its watch? It was pressed for time.

What's the difference between me and my coffee maker? The coffee maker can start its day without me.

Why did the coffee taste like dirt? It was ground this morning.

My doctor said to watch my caffeine intake. So now I drink in front of mirrors.

How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

I told my coffee a secret. It spilled the beans immediately.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.

What's the difference between coffee and motivation? I can buy the coffee.

What do you call a coffee that tells fortunes? A medium roast.

What do you call a coffee that's retired? A has-bean.

Why does coffee never say anything offensive? It always uses a filter.

I tried to quit coffee once. It was the worst two hours of my life.

Why did the barista quit her job? She got tired of the daily grind.

What's the difference between my coffee and my coworker? I can tell my coffee to stop talking by drinking it.